


i recall a time you lost your mind

by sonhoedesrazao



Series: Skam ficlets [3]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-26
Updated: 2017-03-26
Packaged: 2018-10-11 06:25:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10457460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sonhoedesrazao/pseuds/sonhoedesrazao
Summary: “It’s not a girl,” Isak says, and the pieces finally fall together.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Title from [A Memory of You](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3aiK1IUCI08) by Matthew and the Atlas. Read on [Tumblr](http://sonhoedesrazao.tumblr.com/post/158592442883/its-not-a-girl-isak-says-and-the-pieces)!

“It’s not a girl,” Isak says, and the pieces finally fall together.

It surprises him how much of a relief it is. He knew it had to something about that guy—that third year he’d never seen before who showed up with Isak’s snapback and approached him at his locker. Jonas had considered everything, from the guy blackmailing Isak to making him an accomplice in crime. So, really, gay panic is the best case scenario here.

Except it’s not really gay panic, Jonas realizes, as he sees Isak fidget next to him on the bench. It’s him Isak is afraid of, his reaction. It sits uncomfortable in his stomach to have his best friend think he could ever reject him, so he diffuses the tension. Is it me, he asks, and Isak denies, like Jonas knew he would, even if he does wonder and suspect.

It’s only later, when he sees the note on Isak’s hand and the slow smile that spreads over his face, that he understands there is more to this. That this is not just about Isak hooking up with a dude, that it’s not just about coming out—that this Even guy matters.

*

It goes better than he expected. After class, though, Magnus finds him at his locker.

“So Isak being all weird was about that dude?”

He nods. “Yeah.”

“But why? Why didn’t he tell us?”

“He was scared, I think.”

Magnus’ voice is tinged with disbelief. “Of us?”

“Yeah, Mag. That we wouldn’t be okay with it. You know, because it’s a guy?”

It’s sweet the way Magnus looks so perplexed, like he can’t imagine how Isak could ever think something like that. Jonas understands. But when he remembers things he’s said and jokes he’s made, he gets uncomfortable. How long has Isak known he likes boys? When was the last time he, or any of them, made a gay joke?

“You shouldn’t use that word, by the way,” he adds.

“What word?”

“Fag.”

Magnus’ eyes widen. “Shit. Fuck. You think he was offended?”

“No… I just think we shouldn’t use that word.”

“Right.” Magnus nods. He’s a good person, even if not always the most tactful. Now he lowers his voice as the corridor fills up. “But what, like, really happened with them?”

Jonas bites his lip. “I don’t know.”

*

The thing is, this Even guy needs to get it together. Jonas tries to keep his opinion to himself, he really does, but when he sees Isak on Friday night, all dejected and hopeless, he can’t stay quiet.

“I just think you’re letting him play you,” he says. And anyone who does that isn’t worth your time, he almost adds, but bites his tongue. It’s true he doesn’t know a lot about Even, but who does this guy think he is to string Isak along?

Jonas tells himself that if the dude doesn’t reply, he’ll just come out and say it. He’ll make Isak see that he needs to find a guy who treats him right and…

But then Even not only replies, but shows up at the flat two minutes later, and everything Jonas thought he knew rearranges in his mind while he’s being ushered out of the apartment.

“What the fuck,” Magnus says on the street as they feel the bite of the cold air, still out of breath and putting their shoes back on.

Mahdi is laughing. “Isak is so getting laid tonight.”

“You think so?” Magnus asks. “Man, that’s so unfair. He didn’t even have to leave the house.”

“I just hope Even really broke up with his girl,” Jonas mutters.

“You think he didn’t?” Mahdi asks.

He shrugs. “Who knows.”

“I’m sure Isak will find out,” Mahdi says, a pacifying note in his voice that Jonas realizes, with some surprise, is directed at him. “Dude’s definitely interested.”

Magnus shakes his head, an edge of awe in his voice. “How fast did he run here, seriously?”

The three of them look at one another and start laughing, and by the time they arrive at the party, Jonas is not even thinking about it anymore.

*

He’s thinking about it the next morning, though. 

He tries giving Isak space, but by Saturday afternoon he can’t wait anymore. What if things went wrong is Isak is moping in his bedroom? Jonas has an obligation to check on his best friend. Right?

So how did it go?

Isak replies a few minutes later. He’s still here :)

So that answers that question.

*

His memory didn’t fail: Even really is handsome. As the guy approaches them, Jonas can’t help feeling a little wary, even as he forces himself to look friendly. Even seems nice, but he also turned his best friend into someone Jonas didn’t recognize for a while there, so he thinks a little caution is not unwarranted.

Or maybe he just needs to relax, because since last Friday Isak has been the happiest Jonas has ever seen him. And if he’s being entirely honest with himself—which he doesn’t want to do—there’s something about that fact that makes Jonas uneasy. But because he doesn’t want to go down that path, he pushes the feeling to the back of his mind.

“He’s really tall,” Magnus says as they leave.

“And hot as hell,” Mahdi says. “Like, you don’t have to be into guys to recognize that.”

“I can’t believe Isak gets hot girls and guys and I can’t get anyone,” Magnus whines.

Jonas laughs and says something encouraging, and as they make plans to get Magnus laid, he does his best to not consider whatever it was that gave him pause before.

*

Even is bipolar, and once again everything he knows shifts.

The thing is: Isak has a blind spot when it comes to himself, and is naturally a bit dramatic. He tends to jump to the worst possible conclusion, especially if it’s about people’s opinion of him, so Jonas is not surprised he takes the word of Even’s ex on this. And because of everything with his mother, he suspects this is the one thing that could really scare Isak. More even than being with a boy for the first time. It might be easier for Isak to admit defeat outright—to think it was all a lie—than to hope and lose later.

So he’s grateful for Magnus stepping in and putting things in perspective, and on his part, he tells Isak to just go talk to the guy.

This doesn’t mean he’ll stop keeping an eye on Even, though, which he tells Magnus after Isak leaves them.

“Don’t you think you’re being a little unfair?” Magnus asks.

“I’m just looking out for Isak.”

“Yeah,” Magnus interrupts, more vehemently than he usually does, still fired up from his pep talk, “but he never asked you to. And you seem determined to see Even as an enemy. Like, I bet this isn’t easy for him either.”

“Well, being bipolar doesn’t give him the right to play Isak.”

“People make mistakes. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t like Isak! Fuck, he showed up when Isak texted, didn’t he?”

“I…” He’s not used to being schooled by Magnus. It’s an odd feeling, but he like to think he can recognize when he’s wrong. “Okay. Maybe you’re right.”

Magnus seems surprised by this. “Um, yes! I am. And like, if Isak would just talk to him, they could work this out. I mean, believing the ex-girlfriend? Come on!”

A smile tugs at his lips. “I know. I just hope that…” He sighs. “I just don’t want Even to hurt him again.”

Magnus looks at him for a long moment, and Jonas fidgets, suddenly uncomfortable.

“What?”

“Sometimes a little hurt is worth it,” Magnus says.

A real smile catches him now. “Wow, Mags. When did you get so deep?”

Mahdi plops back down on his seat then, a pile of waffles on his plate. “What did I miss?”

*

Even sits next to Isak in the seat Eva left. Hello, he says, and Isak returns the word to him, so quietly his lips barely move. Then his mouth shifts into a soft smile, and the two of them look at each other for a long moment. No words are said, but Isak moves in a way that suggests he’s taken Even’s hand under the table. It’s like the rest of the Christmas party has disappeared. Isak looks so happy he’s gone beyond it, edging into peaceful.

Jonas looks aside.

And sees Eva approaching him.

“Hey,” she says, a little uncertain.

He smiles and meets her halfway. “Hey.”

They haven’t spoken in a while and it’s a little awkward. They talk about the party, and their plans for the holidays, and avoid any mention of her being there with Chris, and then move on to their friends.

Eva’s eyes flicker to the side, then back at him. “So what do you feel about Isak and Even?”

“What do you mean?” 

“I mean… Isak seems pretty serious about him. He’s never really dated anyone before. Are you ready for this?”

It hits him like a brick. She gets it. For a moment Jonas misses her so much it hurts, even if he knows there’s too much history there for them ever to go back to how they were. But it’s also this that he misses: having someone who understands him so easily, in that way Isak and Even seem to understand one another, move in the same wavelength, live in a parallel world apart from the rest of them. Sometimes he thinks he and Eva really screwed up something amazing, and that’s another thought he prefers to bury deep.

“I like Even,” he says, and it’s true. It’s also true that he has to work at it harder than Magnus and Mahdi, and that when he looks at Even, he has to force himself to let go of all he’s done to Isak. 

But he does like Even, and he can feel he’ll only like him more and more. And maybe that’ll make it all easier. 

“He’s very likable,” Eva agrees with a grin. “And they look really into each other. Remember how it was like for him when we were together?”

“Oh, I remember,” he laughs. Isak bursting into them more than once, trailing behind them, joining them on whatever they had planned. Jonas always hoped he’d get a girlfriend then, so it’s really not fair for him to feel like this now.

Something must’ve shown in his face, because her expression softens. “You’ll work it out,” she says.

“How do you know?”

“Because you’re a good friend.”

“I could be a better one.” The words slip from his mouth and he wishes he could bring them back, along with the tumble of thoughts that rush out. I should’ve known, he thinks, I should’ve helped sooner, I shouldn’t be jealous. I shouldn’t be scared to be alone. 

“Jonas,” she says, softly. He’s missed the way his name sounds when said like that. “So could I, so could he. Trust me.” She hesitates, on the brink of saying something, then shakes her head and takes his hand. “You know you don’t have to be perfect, right?” The words ring true and forgiving in her mouth, and he feels the knot in his chest start to unravel. Then she grins suddenly. “In fact, someone’s just told me life is now. So how about we get a drink and you cheer the fuck up?”

A genuine laugh bursts out of him. From the corner of his eye he spots two bodies moving closer, one whispering something at the other’s ear, a soft laugh and trailing fingers in response, and Jonas lets a thought come through without any filter. Damn couples.

Drink now, he decides, feelings later.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] i recall a time you lost your mind](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10559544) by [Jinxy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jinxy/pseuds/Jinxy)




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